


Prodigal

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Kylo Ren, Angry Poe Dameron, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Kylo Ren, Badass Kylo Ren, Badass Poe Dameron, Biting, Body Worship, Crying During Sex, Cuddling and Snuggling, Drunk Kylo Ren, Drunkenness, Enemies to Lovers, Evil Snoke, First Kiss, Fix-It, Flashbacks, Good Parent Han Solo, Good Parent Leia Organa, Han Solo Lives, Hangover, Healing, Hux is Not Nice, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Internalized Victim Blaming, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Has Nightmares, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Leia Organa Is Not An Asshole, Love Confessions, Luke Skywalker Is An Asshole, M/M, Male Slash, Male-Female Friendship, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Medical Professionals, Mind Rape, Minor Finn/Rey, Nightmares, No Healing Cock, Non-Consensual Violence, Not Reylo, POV Han Solo, POV Kylo Ren, POV Leia Organa, POV Poe Dameron, POV Rey (Star Wars), POV Snoke, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Past Violence, Pilot Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Protective Finn, Protective Poe Dameron, Protective Rey (Star Wars), Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Referenced Mind Rape, Rey Hates Kylo Ren, Sassy Kylo Ren, Scar Worship, Slut Shaming, Space Mom Leia Organa, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Tallie Lintra Lives, Therapy, Victim Blaming, Wakes & Funerals, at first, internalized slut shaming, on Poe’s part, on Snoke’s part, pilot Kylo Ren, warnings JIC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-02 21:57:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15805353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Kylo comes home with Han.





	1. Night Terrors

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 The creature was sitting across from them, and somehow, Rey thought, he didn’t seem as threatening all but crumpled in his seat looking away from them, away from Han. Rey supposed that even monsters had parents, even monsters had weaknesses. 

She didn’t want to look at him, though. The man who invaded her mind, who did so much wrong...

”Hey,” Finn said, softly. “You okay?”

Rey nodded. “I don’t trust him.”

”You and me both,” Finn said. “Hopefully Han will keep an eye on him if he tries something.”

Rey nodded. She could only hope. 

***

Han could only watch his son, sitting in the shuttle far away from Finn and Rey, who were still, understandably, giving him a wide berth. He looked so very withdrawn, almost like he wanted to retreat into himself. To shrink, to hide. Han couldn’t help but wonder what exactly Snoke had done in order to do that to his son. 

Leia had said that Snoke was essentially stalking their son. And even thinking about it, Han couldn’t help but wonder why she didn’t tell him. If he had, stars willing he would have gone after Snoke and got him...

 _It’s not about you._  

And yet his anger wasn’t even about him. It was about Ben. It was about his boy, his treasure, and the First Order had done this to him...

Han looked over at Ben, who seemed curled in to himself, and wondered what, exactly, the First Order had done to him. 

***

The moment that Poe saw Ben on the platform wearing Kylo Ren’s clothes, it was like pieces of a horrible puzzle just clicked into place. 

Ben was Kylo. Kylo was Ben. How could Ben have done...any of what he did? When he left...

Poe swallowed. Around him, other people were murmuring in shock; they couldn’t believe it either. The idea that Ben Solo, generally well-meaning Ben Solo, could have become...this. 

“How could he?” Kare said. 

Poe didn’t know. 

 He supposed he’d find out soon enough. 

***

Leia met with her son later on. Even meeting with him, he seemed to all but shrink into himself, backing away when she got too close. What had Snoke done to him? Whatever he’d done, she would kill him. Painfully. She’d made the mistake of not doing that when he was first stalking Ben...

She would kill him when she caught up with him, she knew that. 

“You’ll have your own room,” she said. “Hopefully you can rest and recuperate.” A beat. “It’s good to have you back, Ben. I missed you.”

His eyes seemed to widen, like he hadn’t expected that. What had Snoke told him, she wondered? Then, “Thank you.”

She watched him go, somehow wishing she could do more to help. 

***

It was in the privacy of his own room that Kylo Ren — could he call himself that anymore? Or for that matter, Ben Solo — could curl up on the bed. It wasn’t an uncomfortable bed, he could say that much, but even so, his own thoughts felt uncomfortable. That was one way to put it. And he doubted he wanted to go to sleep. 

Sleep would bring the nightmares. Sleep would bring the images of Snoke sneering down at him. The sensation of clawed, bird-like hands tearing at his —

Kylo constricted into a ball, curling in tighter. The less he thought about it, the absolutely better. 

_“You think that you can beat me? I have many more men, apprentice...”_

Kylo kept his eyes open, even though his eyelids felt like they were held by heavy weights. He strained, trying to keep them open —

— only for sleep to tug him under, and for invisible hands to all but scrape and ravage his body, until he woke, looking around the room, sweating and shaking and trying not to scream, making sure he was indeed away from Snoke. 

 

 

 


	2. Pull Him Under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has more memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for rape and slut-shaming on Snoke’s part.

Making it through the next morning wasn’t easy. If anything else, the images still clung to his mind. Snoke’s hands were on his body, ravaging, Snoke was sneering down at him, taunting him. It didn’t even go into Snoke gripping his arms, or the times that he looked up at the ceiling, trying to pretend he was somewhere, anywhere, else. Like retreating into his mind could save him — even as Snoke all but snarled at him to look him in the eye. 

Even as he dressed, he carefully gave the others a wide berth. He sat alone, away from the others chattering and whispering. 

_That’s Ben Solo?_

**_My name’s not Ben Solo,_** he wanted to say, but the snarling nexu didn’t seem inclined to fight this time. That was what his father affectionately called him at times: “my little nexu cub”. Ben Solo was more than capable of being sarcastic and scrappy, after all. 

It had been what, though, ten years? Ben Solo was dead, and Luke Skywalker has good as killed him. And speaking of Skywalker, there was talk of Rey the scavenger going to find him. Maybe he could disappoint her as he disappointed Ben Solo...

“Hey, kiddo.”

Kylo almost jumped — only for it to be only Han Solo. His father. He was safe, for the moment.

”Hello.” He didn’t know how to address his father — he had been used to thinking of him as “Han Solo” for a decade. Things like “mother” and “father”, “Mom” and “Dad” had just fallen into disuse. 

“You look like a gizka on a hot durasteel roof,” Han said. 

Kylo snorted. “I’m not that transparent.” If only he wasn’t, at least. 

“Okay. But you look pretty tense.”

”We didn’t exactly get a warm welcome.”

”They’ll...” Han sighed. “They’re probably just shocked.”

”You have no idea.” 

"Ben — ’’

”Please don’t.” _Not yet_. 

“Okay. Kylo. Are you okay?”

”I’m...away from Snoke,” Kylo finished weakly.

”Yeah. You are.” A beat. “Look, if you ever need to talk, I’m here.”

Kylo tried picturing telling his father about what Snoke had done to him. Every violation, every word. Every abuse. How much would his father be able to take? And what if he blamed Kylo for the assaults?

It was his fault, after all. It was his fault that he’d responded to the attack. Snoke had said it, and the Supreme Leader was wise, after all...

”Thank you,” he said.

 “Anything.”

***

They had to get up for the funeral for those who hadn’t returned from Starkiller Base, but Han was already worried about his son. The way he’d nearly jumped when Han approached him was enough to break Han’s heart — what had that bastard Snoke done to him in the First Order? Han shuddered to think about it. Whatever it was, he’d find a way to kill Snoke. How anyone could make his little bandit scared...Han supposed he’d never really know. 

 Regardless, he would do whatever he could to save Ben. Anything.

***

Kylo was alone in his corner after the funeral, and that was well and good. The scavenger was with FN-2187, the other soldiers mingling where they would, and Kylo was alone, downing every glass of D’Qar ale like there was no tomorrow. The room was already tilting around Kylo, and the laughter of the others sounded distorted. 

He wondered, idly, if they were laughing at him. If he wasn’t drunk, and if you didn’t wave around a lightsaber at a funeral, then he probably would have hurt someone. Anyone, actually.

He drank. It didn’t block out the memories. The painful intrusions. Fingers, forced inside —

Kylo tried focusing on something, anything else. The taste of D’Qar ale — it was just so foul...

He forced it down. It tasted foul, but he had to, stars willing, he had to. It was putrid...

The room was spinning around him. He thought he heard Han’s voice, saying that stars, he’d had enough to drink.

He fell, collapsed. Around him, the room spun like one of those tops, and he could hear Snoke’s voice. _Traitorous, insolent slut..._

“No,” he said. “I’m not...”

_You think the Resistance can protect you? I’m going to annihilate them, you filthy whore, and you’ll feel them wink out, one by one..._

“No. No...”

He thought he saw his father’s face, and Poe’s, curious, worried. He reached towards them...

...and then unconsciousness pulled him under. 


	3. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo wakes from his hangover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for some...really awful stuff in this chapter (not from Poe).

To say that Kylo felt terrible when he woke was an understatement. His entire head felt like it had been impaled with some sort of stake, and seeing Poe Dameron over him, looking less than happy — actually a mixture of emotions that seemed to be a storm even inside his head as Kylo sensed them...

Well. Wasn’t that exactly what Kylo wanted.

”Come to gloat?” Kylo snapped. “Or...” He couldn’t help but be afraid; what if —

No. Poe didn’t. He wouldn’t. 

“Or what?” Poe sounded outright angry in that moment, a quiet sort of angry.

”Anything. Anything you can think of, actually. Don’t think I haven’t heard the stories about people like you. What you’ll do to get your revenge.”

”I’m not here for revenge. I’m not you, Ben.” A beat. “I wanted some answers, but I guess that you’re really in no state to do it considering you’re hungover.”

”Fine.” Kylo’s head was throbbing; it felt like it was about to split open. “Where do you want to start?”

”Why did you fall?”

”I ran away. There’s a difference. And if you must know, my wonderful, saintly uncle tried to murder me in my sleep. I knew he hated me, naturally, but I never thought that he’d try and do this like the coward he is.”

Poe actually looked for all intents and purposes like Kylo had stabbed him. “He...” 

“...is a saint, and I’m a liar trying to split apart the family?” Kylo said. “He’s a hero and I deserve to be dead?”

”No. I just...I didn’t think he’d do that. I knew there was some sort of hole in your story when you came to me that night. But stars...” Poe swallowed. “Are you sure?”

”I woke and he was standing over me with his lightsaber. I’m sure he wasn’t there to kill a spider.”

Poe sighed. “Probably not.”

And Kylo told him the rest. He left out the details of the rapes, the worst of Snoke’s abuse, because he knew, he just felt...Poe would think he deserved it, and he’d be right. Snoke called him a whore, a slut, and considering how his body had reacted, how he’d actually —

He looked away.

Poe looked at him, eyes softer now. “Snoke did more, didn’t he?”

”It’s not relevant.”

”Ben,” Poe said softly, “What else did he do to you?”

”Nothing that wasn’t my fault.”

”How?”

Kylo didn’t speak for a long moment. 

“He hurt you, didn’t he?”

”Don’t,” Kylo said. “It was my fault. Everything he did to me was my fault.” 

“How long was this going on?” Poe said.

”Before I saw you again. On Jakku.”

Poe’s breath hitched. 

“It happened. Over and over. Everything he did to my body...”

”Ben.” Comprehension, too clear. Tears filling those brown eyes. He didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve Poe’s pity. 

“It was my fault. You...you probably think I deserved it, after what I did to you.”

”I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.” Poe took Kylo’s hands gently, and it felt nice, Kylo thought — a hand was just a hand in the end, and Poe had gentle, clever hands. “Let alone you. There’s no galaxy where what Snoke did to you was your fault.”

”But...” Kylo couldn’t bear to tell Poe the details. How he’d actually climaxed during the rapes. Climaxed...even that was horrible to even remember. Snoke had taunted him with it afterwards. “ _You think Dameron would want you after this?_ ”

“Snoke’s a monster.” And Kylo could feel the quiet anger under the surface of Poe’s voice again. “To think he took you, and hurt you...that’s an atrocity in and of itself. It never should have happened, Ben.”

And Kylo could tell that Poe meant every word, and yet... “Why?”

”I care about you. Even after Jakku, after everything, I care about you. You’re...you’re my friend.” Except, it seemed, that Poe seemed to be preparing to say something more than that.

Kylo swallowed. “I don’t deserve that much.”

”You do. And I’m going to keep telling you that until you believe it.” A beat. “How about we go to breakfast? You need comfort food after that hangover.”

That, Kylo supposed, he couldn’t argue with.


	4. A Mother’s Ear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo tells Leia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for discussion of medical stuff.

Breakfast was terrible, but it at least helped slightly with the hangover. Kylo managed to ignore the curious looks from Jess, Snap and Kare, who were clearly wondering how a nice boy like Ben Solo could have fallen like that.

He’d have to tell the story soon enough. He’d have to tell — did he have to tell? Maybe he didn’t have to tell everything. He didn’t have to tell what had happened during the —

Kylo felt Poe’s hand squeeze his again, and he couldn’t say that he minded at all, really. A hand was just a hand, after all, and Poe would never do anything to hurt him. He hoped. 

It was long after Kylo had been escorted from the room while the last piece of the map was being displayed that he knew he had a good opportunity as any. He turned to look at his mother, who was outside with him, and he said, “There’s something I have to tell you.”

”About Luke?”

”About him.” And Kylo told her. Told her about how he’d woken up from Snoke invading his mind to see Luke standing over him with his lightsaber ignited. About how he’d drawn his own lightsaber, even as Luke inexplicably told him to stop (and how could he stop, when he was defending himself?), how he had sensed Luke’s thoughts earlier in the mindscape, that he was filthy and disgusting and deserved to die before he caused any more trouble, everything, and at one point, his voice cracked, and Poe reached out towards him, took his hand. He could handle this. A hand was just a hand, really, truly. 

Leia looked like she’d been hit by a runaway speeder. She was about to say something when Kylo said, “There’s more. Snoke...”

”Did he hurt you?” Leia said. 

“Yes.” Kylo’s voice cracked again. “Sexually.”

”Ben...if I had any idea what he was doing to you, I would have been over as soon as I could.” A beat. “And please, don’t say it was your fault. There’s no galaxy where this could be your fault.”

***

It was Kalonia who actually scanned him. It was an outside the body scan, and Kylo was grateful at least for that, but there was still something about going over his body that made him feel exposed, even with Kalonia gently talking to him. Finally, Kalonia said, “There’s been some scarring from the rape. Mostly internal.”

Kylo looked over at Poe and Leia, Poe, who looked like he was about to break something, and Leia, who looked shattered and guilty. 

“It was always the same,” Kylo said. “He’d...violate me, and then I’d go to medbay to be patched up. They were careful about it. Kept it a secret.”

”Those monsters...” Poe said. 

“They didn’t ask any questions. I think they were as scared of Snoke as I was.”

Poe bit his lip. Then, “You’re safe, Ben. I won’t let them hurt you again. I promise.”

”We won’t,” Leia said, and Kylo wondered, in the end, what exactly he’d done to deserve this. 


	5. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a lot of stuff happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Yes, Kylo’s bit about Luke was me getting on my soapbox for a bit. I thought Leia’s X-wing line was mind-bogglingly stupid and hypocritical considering that the climax of A New Hope is basically getting in an X-wing and blowing something up. If it was Rian Johnson’s attempt to deconstruct Star Wars, he really just made Leia look stupid. 
> 
> Also took out the slap, because slapping your loyal commanders isn’t very General-like. Ever.

 Kylo was already on the Raddus when the evacuation of D’Qar began. Poe was in the air, defending the transports, taking out the dreadnaught’s guns and plenty more, and Kylo could only hope he would come back safe. It didn’t help that he could feel something simmering beneath the surface, something heavy and angry. 

Poe was angry. They’d made him angry. Even that was something where Kylo couldn’t help but pity Canady and Hux for being in the path of a very angry (if still quipping) Poe Dameron.

Even Leia trying to pull him back had little effect. Kylo knew that he should stop Poe, or try, but the dreadnaught was a fleet killer, they all were, and they would all die if it wasn’t taken out. 

Kylo watched from the Raddus even as X-wings and A-wings went down, and his breathing hitched. Poe was already risking lives because of his anger — at what? And why? 

Even when the dreadnaught went down, and Kylo watched his mother slump in her seat, he ran towards the hangar. Poe had made it inside, and even as the two embraced, Kylo wondered what could have possibly made him so angry. 

***

 They jumped to hyperspace, and it was coming out of hyperspace that Leia spoke with Poe — if by speaking with she meant demoting him. Kylo stepped in in that moment, and spoke. “You didn’t have to do that.”

”Exactly!” Poe said. “We took out a dreadnaught.”

”At what cost?”

”You start an attack, you follow it through.”

“Poe, get your head out of your cockpit. There are things you cannot solve by jumping in an X-wing and blowing something up — ”

”Really?” Kylo said. “If I recall correctly, my sainted, illustrious uncle did that, back when he wasn’t a coward...”

Leia turned to him, Poe momentarily forgotten. ”Sarcasm isn’t helping, Ben.”

”Well, I just think it’s eerie that you give your wonderful brother medals for jumping in an X-wing and blowing something up,” said Kylo, “And jump on Poe for doing the same thing. You should be grateful to have someone like him in your fleet.” A beat. “Come on, Poe.”

They walked away. Poe sighed. “You didn’t have to do that.”

”She was unfair to you. Though...I have a feeling that you weren’t just taking out that dreadnaught because of how deadly it was.”

Silence. 

”You wanted to punish them,” Kylo said. “Hurt them. You couldn’t get at Snoke, so you went after Canady and the others instead.” A beat. “I’m not worth that amount of anger.”

”Yes, you are.” Poe gently took Kylo’s hands, and Kylo looked at him, really looked at him, the amount of raw emotion in his eyes. “You were always worth it. You were worth everything. You are everything.” A beat. “You don’t even get it, do you? I’d kill for you just because you weren’t just my best friend.”

”But I hurt — ’’

”I know. And I still love you.”

And those words...they inspired a sort of awe in Kylo, and terror. He looked at Poe, and said, “I...feel the same way. But...how can you love me after what I did? What Snoke did to me?”

”You can’t change the way I feel.”

”I guess I can’t.” Kylo smiled faintly. “You were always stubborn, Poe.”

”That’s me.” 

A beat. 

“If we could go...slow...” Kylo said. “Take it slow. I’ve...still got a lot of problems.”

”So do I. And I don’t love you any less.”

They stood in silence, before the alarms went off, and Poe said, “We better get to the bridge. We’re definitely in trouble.”

It was getting to the bridge that Kylo saw the familiar outline of the _Supremacy_ on the holodisplay. His breathing seized up, and he remembered what Snoke said about annihilating the Resistance. He remembered what Hux had once said about developing superior technology. 

“Hux talked about it,” Kylo said. “Tracking the Resistance through lightspeed. I didn’t think he’d do it.”

”That’s impossible,” Jess said. 

Kylo almost wanted to laugh. Honestly, of all the things that Jess would deem as impossible, it was this? 

“They’ve done it. They’ve been planning for it for a long time. If we jump to lightspeed, they’ll find us and annihilate us.”

”Not without a fight,” Poe said. He turned to Leia. “Permission to jump in an X-wing and blow something up?”

”Permission granted,” Leia said. Poe turned to Kylo, and he said, “You don’t have to go with me if you don’t want to.”

”We need to defend the ship,” Kylo said. And if he could get in some vengeful shots at the ship of the monster who raped him, that was only a bonus. 

They ran to the hangar, BB-8 rolling by their side. Tallie Lintra was there, along with other pilots, and as they lifted off, reporting in as they would, Kylo already swore it was like anger had surged like a tsunami in him, and like a tsunami, it was already out of control. He shot down ship after ship, and already, he understood why Poe had been so passionate about taking down that dreadnaught besides the fact it was a fleet killer — Kylo remembered everything he had gone through in the First Order, and all he had sacrificed, and it was like the anger wouldn’t stop coursing out. 

One by one, they fell. And if that made him as much of a traitor, as much a killer of his own kind as FN-2187, so be it. 

They fell. Now they had to take out the Supremacy’s guns. 

Tallie sighed over the comm even as he proposed it. “Kylo Ren, we don’t have bombs. We used them all on that dreadnaught.”

”We don’t need bombs,” Kylo said. “X-wings should do the trick.” A beat. “I believe Poe and a friend of his did something similar with the Finalizer. And...don’t you want to show Snoke he’s not the biggest rancor in the pit?”

Tallie took a deep breath. “Yeah.”

”Kriff yeah,” Poe said. “ ‘Sides, if we don’t take out those guns, the Raddus is toast.”

”Exactly,” Kylo said. 

“All right, everyone, let’s move out.” Tallie said.

The X-wings swooped for the Supremacy, and Kylo already knew where they were. Snoke had boasted that this ship was the finest in the First Order fleet, so it was definitely going to be a message to him if they destroyed the guns. He fired, and even as Poe and Tallie exclaimed in delight as one of the guns was taken out, Kylo couldn’t help but smile himself. Was this what it was like, having camaraderie among others? He couldn’t believe he’d missed it all these years. 

“We’ve still got more,” Kylo said. 

“We’re on it,” Poe said. “Follow my lead.”

They wove through the guns, shooting them out, and even hearing Tallie and Poe rejoicing over the comm with each gun they took out, Kylo wondered if that was what camaraderie felt like once more. 

Finally, the guns were taken out, and Kylo sighed in relief. “We did it. Now let’s take out Snoke and go home.”

”You sure you can do that?” Tallie said. 

“We have the perfect opportunity,” Kylo said. 

Inside the ship, Kylo could already feel Snoke in his mind. _You wouldn’t have the strength. Besides, I see your mind. I see your every intent._

“Then see this coming,” Kylo muttered, and fired, along with Tallie and Poe. 

The ship exploded, but Kylo thought he saw the Supreme Leader’s escape pod shooting away like a comet even as it did. 

“We did it!” Tallie shouted over the comm, and Kylo winced even as the static went off. 

"Maybe not so loudly, Tallie?” he said. 

Tallie laughed. “Not every day we just took out the Supremacy. Boy, the First Order’s going to be furious. I love it.”

”I bet,” Kylo said. 

***

”You took out the Supremacy,” Leia said. “I have to admit, I am impressed.” A beat. “Ben...if I may call you that...”

”I think you owe Poe an apology,” Kylo said wryly. 

“Yes, I do.” Leia sighed. “The truth is, even though Snoke’s still out there, you greatly weakened the First Order by defending the Raddus. You three are invaluable to the Resistance, and Ben...you’ve proven yourself.”

”It wasn’t for the Resistance.”

”I know. But you did beautifully. Poe...you’ve got your rank as Commander back. I owe you that much.”

”Thank you, General,” Poe said. 

“And Tallie — I think Ben would definitely benefit from being in your squadron.”

Tallie smiled. “He would. Just behave, Ren.”

”I make no promises,” Kylo said. He wondered if that was what it was like, being in the Resistance. Maybe that was where he belonged all along. “Where to, General?”

”We’ll need to head to Crait. It will be the best, in the end. We can recuperate, and send out the distress signal that we need to.”

It was later that Han spoke with Kylo, Poe and Tallie. “Look at you, all three of you! If that doesn’t send the First Order a message, I don’t know what will.”

”I hope so,” Kylo said. Then, “Dad...Poe and I are together.”

”You know, I was wondering when that was gonna happen.”

”Really?”

Han laughed. “The way you were mooning over each other, the way you talked about him, the way he talked about you...”

”I remember.” To think that the rapes at Snoke’s hands had tried to shatter even that... “I can hope that we can rebuild what we had.”

”You already have,” Poe said. “At least, you’re just beginning.”

It was outside Poe’s quarters that Poe said to Kylo, “Are you okay?”

”I will be. I hope.” Kylo sighed. “I don’t think I can go to sleep alone, though. Whenever I sleep, I see what he does to me...”

”You can use my room,” Poe said. 

Dressing for bed was a bit odd, considering Poe’s pajamas were a little small (a lot small) on Kylo, but getting in bed with Poe was strange as well. Snoke had let him go, which was a blessing, after his rapes, so even though sex hadn’t prefaced this bit of snuggling, Kylo couldn’t say he was used to it. Being touched without it being a prelude to pain was new, even if Poe was the sweetest, kindest man. 

“Why me, Poe?” he said after a while. “I mean, there are others you could have chosen. People who didn’t hurt you. People who weren’t broken.” A beat. “You could have chosen anyone, but you chose me.”

”I’m not going to act like it didn’t happen, what you did on the Finalizer. Forgiveness...it’s weird, people act like forgiveness is just magic or something, but it’s more complicated than that.” A beat. “I can’t _forgive_ forgive...but I can’t stop loving you. I can’t get rid of it any more than I could get rid of a limb.”

”That makes sense.”

”I love you, Ben. Ever since eleven years ago, before Snoke. I couldn’t have chosen anyone else because they weren’t you, Ben. Because you shone so bright. And you still shine so bright.” Poe paused. “What if we bridged everything? I mean, well, just took it one step at a time...”

”It could work.” Kylo sighed. “I just haven’t been touched in a while without pain somehow being involved. I’m damaged, Poe.”

”Don’t ever say that about yourself. Ever.” Poe laid his cheek on Kylo’s shoulder. 

“But — ’’

”You’re brave, and strong, and better than that monster ever was, and that is a fact.”

Kylo turned over in Poe’s arms, really looked into his eyes. He had the most loving brown eyes you could possibly lose yourself in. There were still cuts from his torture, like near his lip. He brushed his lips near it, as an apology, and smiled when he felt Poe’s lips underneath. 

“I want...” He paused; he’d been so used to every “no” he had being overridden by Snoke. Even the Force exploding against him hadn’t fended Snoke off. “Can I kiss you?”

”I was wondering when you would.”

Kylo leaned in, kissed him — a light graze of lips, sweet and tender. He drew away; he wasn’t quite ready for it to get heated, not yet. Maybe in the future. He wondered how soft Poe’s lips — those beautiful lips — would feel beneath his own. 

“Maybe in the future...’’ Kylo said. 

“We’ll have plenty of time,” Poe said. “I just can’t wait to keep learning you.” And he might as well have added _and loving you_.

They snuggled together, and Kylo felt a strange sense of security that he hadn’t felt in a long while. 


	6. Pryce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Poe go to therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for rape.

_Snoke was on top of him. His hands pinned Kylo’s wrists to the cold ground as Kylo lay frozen, naked, right there. He still didn’t know how Snoke was so strong, but he couldn’t move. Snoke wasn’t gentle even as he forced himself inside Kylo, and it hurt, stars it hurt —_

“Ben!” Poe’s voice. “I’m not gonna hurt you!”

Something was holding him back. Kylo struggled, cursed, screamed...

Then that something let go. 

Kylo opened his eyes. 

The haze cleared, and Kylo looked up at Poe, at a man who would never do anything to hurt him. “Poe...” His voice cracked. “Dear stars, I thought — he’d hold me down while he forced himself on me. I eventually stopped fighting. I thought you were him, and — ”

”Shhhh, shhhh.” Poe held him close in that moment, and as he rubbed Kylo’s back, Kylo knew that Poe would never do anything to hurt him. 

“I was so stupid — ’’

”Don’t talk about yourself like that. You had a nightmare.” 

“But I thought you were him — ’’

”You had a nightmare.”

Kylo withdrew from Poe’s embrace and looked at him, really looked at him, tried to memorize his face and body. Poe had brown eyes, loving, warm, vibrant brown eyes, where Snoke’s were cold and blue. Poe was slight, but not skeletal, where Snoke was skeletal. Those were the differences. Also, Kylo had been eighteen when he’d first been raped, but he was twenty-nine now. 

There it was. At least some of the differences. 

“I know who you are,” he said to Poe. 

“That’s wonderful. I’d never do anything to hurt you, Ben.” Poe kissed the corner of his mouth. “I was wondering...if we saw someone on the Raddus...”

***

The therapist that they were recommended to by Kalonia was a middle-aged woman, Doctor Pryce. Even telling her about himself and his situation, Kylo couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable; he couldn’t say he was really used to telling anyone about himself and his hobbies in eleven years. Stars, he hadn’t had time to develop hobbies. He’d mostly been either carrying out Snoke’s commands or being raped by him. Even outlining the basics of the rapes (that it had happened over the course of eleven years), he felt the urge to cry, or vomit — only Poe’s hand kept him steady. 

Pryce nodded. “Mr. Ren, Lord Ren — ’’

“Just Kylo. I don’t think I’m part of the Knights of Ren anymore.” 

“Right. Anyway, what happened to you was an atrocity, and it was not your fault.”

”I...” Kylo trailed off. How he was supposed to explain all this was still kind of a struggle. “If I told you everything, either you or Poe would think I was...”

”What?” Pryce said. 

Kylo could still remember what Snoke had said  after one of the rapes. _I wonder what Dameron would think of you._ That had been after he’d climaxed. Even sitting there in this comfortable office...

”If I allow myself to go deeper in my relationship with Poe,” he said, “I’ll be everything he said I was.”

”Ben...” Poe said. 

“You don’t even know what my body did, did you?” Kylo said. “It...” He trailed off; he couldn’t say he climaxed, he simply couldn’t. 

Pryce leaned forward. “Sexual responses during a rape are perfectly normal,” she said. “Think of it this way — your body is programmed for pleasure. It can’t distinguish between the touch of a lover and the mauling touch of a rapist. Let’s not mince words here; your Supreme Leader is a rapist and a sick, evil...I wouldn’t even call him a man. I think men, at least good men, would be insulted to be associated with him.”

”Hear hear,” Poe said.

”So my body would have responded anyway...” Even that knowledge was both liberating and terrifying. Had Snoke known that, exploited it? “Did he know?”

”I doubt he was oblivious to what he did.”

”That...disgusting...”

Kylo almost wanted to break something in that office, and it was only Poe’s voice, a gentle “Ben”, that calmed him. He sighed. 

“It wasn’t enough to take...everything else from me,” he said. “He...” A pause. “I never knew what it was to be a virgin.”

”Virginity is very complicated. From my perspective, rape is violence, not sex,” Pryce said. “Ultimately, how do you define it, Kylo?”

”I...” Kylo swallowed. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to find out for myself.”

Even leaving Pryce’s office later with new assignments, Kylo couldn’t help but feel almost drained, in shock, yet relieved. It hadn’t been his fault that he had climaxed during the rapes — Snoke had taken advantage of that, used it to hurt him further. And yet the idea that Snoke had thought so little of him...

”I really had no idea about the rest,” Poe said. “What he said to you. Pryce is right; Snoke is a sick, evil man.”

”How could he?”

”I don’t know. The fact that he could do it to you...he’s a monster. I’m glad you’re away from him.”

”I am too.”

They continued back to their quarters, and for the first time in a while, Kylo could see a path out of all of what Snoke did to him. 


	7. Spreading Liberation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo tells Han. Tallie finds out. Kylo also has something he wants to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Special thanks to MidgardianNerd for her help!

The trip to Crait was long, and so Kylo had plenty of time. He and Poe hadn’t gone on to full out making love; he doubted he was ready for it, doubted he was ready for the flashbacks that would come with it. Receiving would just be the rapes all over again, and giving...how could he do that to Poe? He never could. It didn’t mean they didn’t find other ways. Kylo found that just snuggling and cuddling with Poe while watching a holo was comforting in its own right. Just being loved by Poe. 

It didn’t mean that his other issues went away on their own, though. They needed some help just to go away. 

Case in point, some of his body issues. 

He’d always had some degree of issues with his body when he was a teenager, but after the rapes...how he could stand to look at it, he didn’t know. He was only reminded that Snoke had used him for his own sadistic gratification, like his body was just something to abuse rather than something flesh and blood. Treasured. 

Now...now he didn’t know what to do. Old habits, like eating little in the First Order, died hard. 

It was Han who actually called attention to it on one of those occasions Kylo ate with him.  “You’re not eating much, kiddo,” he said. “Are you okay?”

”Yes. I mean...no.”

Han nodded. “Wanna talk about it?”

Kylo paused. How could he begin to even talk about it, when his body was disgusting and badly shaped and —

“I’m...not very good-looking.”

“Don’t say that. I mean, kiddo, looks aren’t everything, and from my admittedly biased perspective — ’’

Kylo shook his head. “Did Mom tell you? What Snoke did to me?”

”No. Whatever he did...I don’t think she wanted to betray your trust.”

Kylo nodded. Softly, so no one else could hear, he said, “He raped me.”

All color drained from Han’s face. Kylo continued. “It started when I was eighteen, and stopped when I got away. I’m just reminded of what he did to me, how he used me for his own satisfaction — I’m disgusting, Dad — ’’

Han took Kylo’s hand. Something in Kylo tensed; he couldn’t say he was used to anyone but Poe doing that, but Han’s touch was reassuring enough to make Kylo feel that yes, he could allow him in, too. 

Maybe that was part of it. Establishing boundaries. Deciding who you’ll let in. 

"Ben, kiddo...you’re not disgusting. Not to anyone. Ever.”

”Thank you.”

Han smiled more broadly. “Anything.”

***

Tallie approached Ben later, and said, “I heard...what you said. Are you doing all right?”

”Relatively.”

”Trust me, Snoke’s gonna see the inside of a courtroom. And when he does, Blue Squadron’s got your back. We’ll rip the bastard’s nuts off if that’s what it takes.”

Kylo smiled, weakly. “You’d win too.”

”Yeah.” Tallie sighed. “It wasn’t your fault, Kylo. Snoke’s...he’s really sick. I don’t know what drives other beings to do that, I really don’t.”

”Neither do I. Tallie?”

”Yeah?”

”Don’t tell anyone until I’m ready.” Kylo said. “I’m not ready for the whole Resistance to know.”

Tallie nodded. “Mum’s the word.”

***

It was in his quarters that Kylo told Poe what happened, and Poe beamed. He looked like he was about to clap Kylo on the shoulder, but hesitated. 

“It’s okay,” Kylo said. “Really.” A hand wasn’t a penis, after all. 

Poe stroked Kylo’s face. “You’re incredibly brave,” he said. “So very brave. You have no idea...”

Kylo smiled faintly. His body image issues weren’t going to go away by themselves, but he could feel them starting to weaken. 

“Poe,” he said, “There’s something I want to try.”

 


	8. Vulnerable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A makeout session (and attempted lovemaking) goes wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for mentions of sexual assault and violence (by Snoke, not Poe).

“What do you have in mind?” Poe said. 

Kylo swallowed. “I want...to kiss you,” he said. “Try things more with kissing. I don’t want to lose control, but I don’t want to live my life in fear.”

”I’m ready too.” Poe said. 

“So what do I do?” Kylo said softly. “Is there some sort of — ’’

”Just close your eyes.”

Kylo did. When he felt Poe’s lips on his own, he was only slightly prepared for how soft and sweet they were. When their mouths opened, it was odd, but it felt right. Snoke had never kissed him, let alone been tender at all with him, and as Poe stroked and petted his hair, that was tender too. Everything was too light, everything was too soft. Kylo experimentally deepened the kiss, and the moan that vibrated through Poe...

Kylo broke away, panicked. Poe looked at him, worry in those eyes. “Kylo?”

”Did I — go too far?”

”No. It felt good. Keep going.”

Kylo nodded, before closing the gap between their lips again. Poe whimpered in pleasure, and Kylo wondered if that was basically what making out was supposed to be like, just feeling good. He ran his hands through curly hair, eliciting another whimper, and Kylo kissed him again. When he was done kissing Poe’s lips, he drew away, and he swore he felt something. Not arousal, just the desire to be close, to be completed by Poe.

"I want...you.”

”I do too. It’s just...what if I hurt you?"

Kylo paused. “I don’t want to live in fear anymore.”

”Just tell me when to stop. If you can’t speak, make a hand gesture. And I’ll keep checking in with you.” A beat. “I love you, Kylo. Don’t ever doubt I love you.”

Kylo swallowed, nodded. “Just keep talking to me.”

Poe kissed him, before making his way down to the hollow of his neck, nuzzling it, kissing Kylo’s strong throat. Snoke bit him sometimes, and the scars were there if faded. There’d never been such worship and love there like Poe had. Poe’s breath ghosted over a bite mark even as he said, “Kylo...?”

”He bit me, sometimes.” Kylo swallowed. “He had sharp teeth.”

”Kylo. I’m sorry.” Poe took a deep breath. “You want me to stop?”

”Keep going.”

Poe kissed a scar where Snoke had bitten Kylo, before reaching for Kylo’s buttons. Poe’s voice was soft as ghosts even as he said, “May I, Kylo?”

Kylo hesitated. He wasn’t ready to be shirtless in front of Poe yet. And yet, could he endure being afraid? “We can take it slow,” he said.

Poe did, and every brush of lips against Kylo’s chest was like Iego. Kylo could feel tears pricking at his eyes as Poe continued down. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Poe murmured. “Stars.”

”I’m not you.”

Poe smiled. “Don’t argue with me. You’re so beautiful.”

Poe was gentle, which only made Kylo want to cry even as he worshipped his chest. Every kiss to his chest, Kylo swore there were tears building in his eyes, in between Poe’s soft, caring lips. 

_— on the floor, Snoke driving into him, Kylo staring anywhere but Snoke’s eyes even as he felt like he was being ripped open, and swearing that Snoke would never see him cry, not in front of him —_

Kylo stiffened. Tears were falling from his eyes. Poe drew off, and his lips grazed Kylo’s face, kissing away a tear. 

“Kylo,” Poe said softly. “Sweetheart, it’s me.”

”I know. I just...” Kylo swallowed. “I swore I’d never cry in front of him.”

”You’re safe. You’re okay. You can cry in front of me if you want to.”

Once the tears started, if was like they couldn’t stop, and Kylo let himself cry, all but sob in Poe’s arms as Poe stroked and kissed his hair. 

“You’re okay,” Poe said. “You’re okay. You’re safe. If wasn’t your fault. Stars, I just...love you so much.”

Eventually, the tears stopped, and Kylo looked up at Poe. Then, “I’m sorry. I know you deserve better — ’’

“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.”

”You do. Someone who doesn’t break down crying like that.”

”After what he did to you, I understand.” Poe kissed his temple. It felt nice. No association with assault there. 

“How do you even feel the way you do after what I did on the Finalizer?”

”It’s...complicated. I hate what you did, but there’s too much history for me to simply hate you. Add in the fact that Snoke hurt someone I loved...”

”I didn’t want to do it,” Kylo said. “Snoke...choked me.” He could still remember how Snoke had managed to do it despite being on the Supremacy and Kylo being on the Finalizer. “He also said...he’d get Hux to do it. I thought it would be better if I did it instead of Hux, and I was a coward...”

”Did he often use that?”

”Whenever I tried to refuse him, he’d do it.”

”That’s abuse. I shouldn’t be surprised, but...”

”Yes.” 

Silence fell. 

“You want to watch a holo?”

Kylo smiled. “That could work, actually.”


	9. Dejarik on a Galactic Scale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A revelation about Snoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Even telling Pryce about last night was intimidating, but Kylo knew he had to do it. Telling her about Snoke’s brutality and how that came up despite his attempts to not be afraid...

Pryce nodded. “It’s not your fault,” she said. “I would honestly say that you were incredibly strong, all things considered. Besides, the Empire was not defeated in a day. The best you can do is take it one step at a time.” A beat. “Have you considered making a list of what you’re comfortable and uncomfortable with?”

”I don’t know about comfortable,” Kylo said. 

“Start with what’s off-limits first. It may help.”

***

The problem with writing out the list was that Kylo knew there were a lot of unknowns. Snoke’s preferred mode of assault was anal intercourse with Kylo “receiving”, so that was obviously off the table. So was anything involving the Force and reading minds. The rest...Kylo didn’t know. Pryce had said that sex was not limited to intercourse, and not everyone liked intercourse, so Kylo could feel comforted by that. The idea that not everyone liked it was a solace for him. 

In terms of what he could try, there were quite a few unknowns. Kylo supposed that was a victory, really. The rapes had stolen so much from him. It was good to at least know that there were some things Snoke hadn’t managed to take. 

Even so, there was something else that Kylo couldn’t help but wonder about. Was he a virgin? He probably wasn’t, never had the opportunity to be, just because his first experiences had been with Snoke. Snoke, of all beings. It wasn’t fair. And yet if he hadn’t gone to Snoke —

Kylo swallowed. It was just another reason that he blamed himself. Hated himself. If he hadn’t been so scared, if Snoke hadn’t intercepted his ship on the way to the Unknown Regions...

Would it have been better if...if...

Kylo’s breathing hitched. Seized up. He honestly hadn’t thought of how things would have been different if Luke succeeded in killing him. Maybe Poe would have been...happy? Maybe he would have ended up with FN-2187 instead. Maybe his mother would have just found someone else. Maybe...maybe...

”You finished?”

Poe’s voice, bringing him back to reality just for a moment. 

“I shouldn’t have gone to Snoke in the first place.”

”Kylo, it wasn’t your fault — ’’

“I was a coward.” And even telling Poe everything, he wondered if Poe would say the same thing, but Poe said, “It sounds like he arranged everything to get you in his trap.”

”He...did.” So even that part, being intercepted coming out of hyperspace, wasn’t his fault. Snoke had arranged this. Even his uncle, his cursed uncle, had been no more than a pawn in Snoke’s schemes. “He’d been after me too. Ever since I was a child. He never laid a hand on me, but...”

”Kriff.” Poe said. “So he was preparing you for this. Planning it.”

”He must have been.”

And in that moment, Kylo couldn’t help but wonder what else Snoke took from him in the name of his schemes. 

“We’ll find a way to get through this, Kylo,” Poe said. “All of this. I promise.”

”You don’t have to tell me,” Kylo said. “I already know.”


	10. You Can Run But You Can’t Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snoke awakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for slut-shaming language on Snoke’s part.

In the wreckage of the escape pod, Supreme Leader Snoke woke. It took a while for him to take in his surroundings, remember what had happened, but once he did, it was too easy to get angry. 

Kylo Ren. Of course the man had targeted him, shot him out of the sky with his Resistance vermin friends. Like it was somehow Snoke’s fault for his perceived suffering. He was nothing but a disobedient little tease, but he’d gotten what he deserved, naturally...

He would find Kylo Ren. And then...then he would show Ren who he belonged to all along. Certainly not Poe Dameron. The whore Ren had overstepped his limits, but he would learn.

Ren could run, but he couldn’t hide. 

***

When Kylo shot awake in bed, Poe was with him to calm him in that moment. Even as Poe stroked alongside his arm, Kylo couldn’t help but feel sick, though — how could Poe even stand to touch him? 

“It’s Snoke,” Kylo said. “He’s awake. He’s going to be coming after us.”

”I won’t let him get to you,” Poe said softly. “I promise.” 

Kylo didn’t doubt Poe’s sincerity. Poe truly was the sweetest man, and he didn’t know how he got so lucky to have him, he really didn’t. 

“I don’t want to go back to sleep,” Kylo said. 

“Me neither.” A pause. “It’s just the Finalizer.”

Kylo looked away, ashamed. To think that he had caused Poe so much pain when he wanted the opposite...

Back when he was Ben Solo, he wanted to coax out the small things from Poe. A smile, a laugh at one of his stupid jokes, and Poe gave them easily no matter how small it was. And he’d betrayed Poe...

”There’s nothing I can do to make it completely okay,” Kylo said. “But...I want to help you. It’s the least I can do after what I did.” A beat. “I could go, if you want...”

”Stay.” Poe’s voice was soft in that moment, and Kylo held him. They didn’t quite fall asleep, but there was something about being in the other’s company that was a comfort at minimum. 

***

Even telling Leia about Snoke, there was something about the General’s face that seemed to drain of color. “Does he know where we are?”

”No, I don’t think he does,” Kylo said. “Thank the stars.” He sighed. “It doesn’t mean he won’t destroy everything in order to get to us.”

Leia nodded. “Still, even the First Order would think twice before attacking Crait. It’s not exactly a remarkable planet.”

”Snoke doesn’t care about that. When he hates someone, really hates someone...it becomes an obsession. He’ll do anything to destroy them. And I think he’ll do anything to destroy me.”

”We won’t let him,” Leia said. “And that’s a promise.” A beat. “I couldn’t protect you from Snoke then, Ben, but I can do it now. Never get between a mother and her cubs, even when they’re fully grown.”

”Or a father,” Han said. “We’ll protect you, kiddo, no matter what it takes.”

***

It was in his quarters that Kylo had time to do the exercises. He was in the bath, feeling somehow too big for the restrictive thing even as he rubbed shampoo into his hair. It was one of the exercises that Pryce had recommended, actually. Even running fingers through hair, it felt thick between his fingers. And moving on to rub lotion on his body, he carefully avoided the more sensitive parts, like his nipples. He just didn’t realize how interesting the sensations could feel, like touching his inner thighs. Just small details about his body that he had neglected because they had just seemed so disgusting to him. 

He couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like, being entirely free of those feelings of shame — what Poe would think of his body, of washing it, of touching it. He pictured his own admittedly clumsy, large hands becoming slim pilot’s hands, soft and caring. Even that possibility was too wonderful, and it made...he shouldn’t feel that, but by the stars...

Water-based lubricant was nearby. Kylo slicked his shaft with it, and stroked, focusing on what felt good. Snoke wasn’t able to take this from him, the feelings in his lower belly and genitals as he stroked. He tried picturing Poe’s face, kind and beautiful, back arched against the wall of the tub. It shouldn’t feel good — he didn’t have the right — and yet it was just pleasure, wasn’t it? 

He moaned. He remembered having to be quiet with Snoke, so he supposed making noise was the best he could do to remind himself that was then, this was now. “Poe,” he murmured. “Poe...” He let his mind wander, let his mind dream up scenarios. He paused even as footsteps sounded outside. Poe was coming back. 

He paused. Did he want to do all this? 

The door opened and Poe entered, only to startle at seeing Kylo in the bath. “You want me to leave?”

”You can stay. Care to join me for a bath?”

Poe undressed and joined him. Kylo couldn’t help but feel a sort of flush come over him even as he looked at Poe’s body. “You’re beautiful,” he said, though he kept his eyes on Poe’s face, the delicate sculpt of his collarbone, his smooth bronzed skin and slight fold of fat on his belly. “You truly are.”

 “So are you,” Poe said softly. “Every single part of you.” 

Kylo couldn’t help but panic, it rising like a wave about to crash on the shore. “No...”

”Yes.” Poe leaned forward and touched Kylo’s face. “Really.”

Kylo could, momentarily, believe him. Even after, when they got out of the bath, snuggled together in their pajamas, Kylo could be reassured that here, at least, he was safe. 


	11. Finding Skywalker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Finn go out to find Luke. Kylo has a bit of a panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Rey and Finn were sent off to find Luke at Ach-To (that was apparently the name of the island he was at, far away from the galaxy) and Kylo couldn’t help but panic, if only to Poe and Tallie.

Even the very prospect was enough to make Kylo feel, suddenly, like he couldn’t breathe. Luke was a different sort of terrible than Snoke. A lightsaber wasn’t a penis being shoved in you, but Luke had tried to kill him, and indirectly led to everything that happened. 

Poe took his hand on the bench where they sat. “Breathe,” he said. “Just breathe.”

Kylo forced air into his lungs. It was, in the end, the best he could do. Tallie looked over at him, brows furrowed in worry. “What’s wrong?” she said. “What happened?”

Kylo took a deep breath. “My uncle tried to kill me when I was eighteen,” he said. “That was why I did...a lot of what I did. I shouldn’t have done it, but...”

”You mean in a duel?” Tallie said.

”In my sleep, before I really did anything evil. He thought, just because Snoke had raped my mind before he went on to rape my body, that I was aligned with Snoke.” Kylo sighed. “I knew he hated me, but not this. And don’t tell Jessika Pava; it will break her heart to hear it.”

Tallie looked like her galaxy had been knocked out of balance. Then, “Did you tell the General?”

”Not everything.”

Poe cursed, and went on to add, “That man...I can’t believe that he was a friend of my mother’s. He should have helped you. He’s not only a coward, he’s a sorry excuse for a man.” A beat. “So’s Snoke. How long was he mentally raping you?”

Kylo took a deep breath. “As long as I can remember. Probably before that. I thought he was a friend. Later, I thought that the nightmares I was having were just proof that I was a bad person. At least my uncle seemed to think so.”

”Everyone has nightmares,” Poe said.

Tallie nodded. “Hear hear.”

”Yes, but...”

Poe squeezed his hand. “Kylo,” he said, “Your uncle’s not a god. What he says isn’t so just because he says it. And he never saw who you were as Ben, or what you’ve done now. You rejected the Dark Side and came home. You survived the rapes, and now you’re making progress. You blew up the Supremacy and defended the Raddus. What’s he done? He’s mostly been hiding on an island while the rest of us are out risking our lives. He’s a narcissist and a coward, he always was. You’re worth so much more than he is.”

Silence. Kylo supposed he could believe Poe, he really could. He wouldn’t make up for everything he’d done as Snoke’s enforcer (that wasn’t done to him) but he was redeeming himself. His uncle didn’t want to face up to what he nearly did.

”Thank you,” he said.

Poe nodded.

Tallie spoke up. “If he even comes near you...well, we’ll stun him. I don’t care that he’s got a lightsaber.”

Kylo smiled despite himself. “Thank you, Tallie.”

Tallie smiled back. “No problem.”


	12. Finding Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo doesn’t mend his relationship with his uncle, but he begins new friendships with Finn and Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for victim-blaming.

The first thing that Kylo thought when FN-2187 and Rey brought back Luke Skywalker was that he didn’t quite look like the uncle that had seemed like a giant in his mind. He was older, gray-haired, almost wary and weary-looking, and Kylo wondered, absently, what he had done to really have that look about him. Still, there was a part of him that was glad. He shouldn’t have been glad, but seeing that Uncle Luke somehow wasn’t a god...

Poe took his hand, and Kylo was quietly grateful, looking over at Poe and smiling faintly. There was something about Poe’s presence that was reassuring, more than reassuring, actually. Tallie’s too. It reminded him that no matter what happened, he could do this. Yes, he could. Even standing in front of the uncle who had thought of killing him eleven years ago. He didn’t look so intimidating now, Kylo thought. He was just a pathetic, sad old man. He’d almost pity him. Almost. 

“Skywalker,” Kylo said. 

“Ben,” Luke said, and Kylo couldn’t help but wince. The name felt uncomfortable, wrong. He doubted he could do it. “How does it feel, being a murderer?”

Kylo sighed. “If you must know, uncle,” he said, “I went to the Jedi for help, and they rejected me. Pretty violently, actually. I didn’t exactly come to the Academy looking to murder them — unlike you with me.”

The scavenger and FN-2187 actually looked aghast — they clearly hadn’t heard about that. Luke, meanwhile, kept Kylo’s stare, level and almost withering. Or trying to be withering, at least. 

"I always knew there was something wrong with you,” he said. 

“For being mentally assaulted by Snoke every night?”

”He’d already turned your heart. I know that much.”

”My choice wasn’t even made yet. I guess in a way you made it for me, Skywalker. Are you proud?”

A beat. 

“I just wish that I’d actually killed you,” Luke said. “It would have saved the galaxy a lot of misery. I’d rather be a murderer than Snoke’s willing — ’’

Poe cut in. “Kylo wasn’t Snoke’s willing anything.”

The scavenger actually looked bewildered. So did FN-2187. 

“I can sense that,” Luke said. “He...” He seemed to be torn between disgust at Snoke and disgust at Kylo. “He did that to you. And you...”

”And I hated it, Skywalker. No one ‘likes’ being violated.”

The scavenger spoke up. “You’re saying Snoke raped you?”

Slowly, Kylo nodded. The scavenger and FN-2187 actually looked stunned, and more than that, guilty. Skywalker, meanwhile, just looked disgusted. “And you went willingly to him.”

”I didn’t know he was going to do it.” Kylo said. 

The scavenger spoke up. “No one deserves something like that. Nobody.”

And in that moment, Kylo’s already begrudging respect for her, formed when she had pushed him out of her mind in the interrogation room, grew. 

FN-2187 spoke up. “I wouldn’t put it past Snoke to do something like that. I heard...stories. Nothing concrete, though. Not until now.”

“I thought I’d be safe with him. It wasn’t like I had Force visions to see what would happen.” Kylo said. 

“And that excuses anything?” Luke said. “You probably seduced him.”

Kylo stepped back, feeling like he’d been hit in the stomach. Snoke had said similar things too, usually after the rapes. 

“You’re just like him,” Kylo said. “Maybe you didn’t rape anyone. But you sound like him.”

They walked away from Luke, and the scavenger turned to Kylo. “Are you okay? I had no idea. I didn’t pick it up when I — ”

”I hid it pretty well,” Kylo said. “For what it’s worth, scavenger, I don’t blame you for what you did. I know a worthy enemy when I see one.”

”So that’s who I am now?” said the scavenger. “A worthy enemy?”

”You don’t like it?”

”Well...it’s not a bad idea.” The scavenger smiled, and Kylo decided that he liked it. They were getting off to an uneasy start as friends (possibly?) but they were starting. “And call me Rey.”

”Rey.” Kylo said. “Interesting name. Are you and FN — ’’

”Finn,” Finn said. 

Kylo looked over at Poe, who said, “Well, I couldn’t just let him have a number instead of a name.”

Kylo smiled faintly. “Of course you’d do that. You always saw the best in other beings.”

”It’s what I do.”

”So,” Kylo said. “Are you and...Finn training with Skywalker?”

”After what I saw, I don’t want to. I mean...we’re not completely friends yet, Kylo. After what you did, we’ll have to take a while. But what happened to you was wrong. Anyone with half a shred of a heart knows that.”

Finn added, “No one deserves that. No one.”

”Thank you.” Kylo said. 

Even walking back with Poe, despite what had happened earlier with his uncle, Kylo couldn’t help but feel some sort of hope. 

 


	13. Reappearance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snoke invades Kylo’s mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for slut-shaming language and mind rape.

 Resistance intelligence reported later that Snoke had destroyed a planet that had recently taken the side of the Resistance. Even as Kylo listened, he already had a feeling as to why Snoke did it, though he couldn’t say for certain. 

“He must be trying to draw us out of hiding,” Leia said. “If we go to him, he’ll be able to annihilate us, one by one.”

”What do we do?” Kylo said. “I don’t want you in danger because of me.”

Leia put a hand on Kylo’s shoulder. “We’ll do whatever we can to protect you,” she said. “No matter what it takes.”

***

It was late at night when Kylo was asleep that Snoke invaded Kylo’s mind. It was a familiar tug that Kylo had felt when he was a child, usually after his parents had argued and he went into a corner to hide. And then the flashes of images in his mind, the imprints of fire and smoke. 

 _Missed me, apprentice?_ Snoke said, and Kylo shook his head vigorously. 

_Get out of my head. Get out of me._

_You’re not only a worthless slut, but also a traitor. Does it feel good, I wonder, deserting the First Order? You liked everything I did to you, you probably wanted more. You wouldn’t have come otherwise..._

Kylo shook his head. _This isn’t going to work this time._

_If you don’t come to me, I will burn down everything in my path in order to find your worthless Resistance Base. Or I could search your mind. I see your mind. I see your every intent._

_I’m not giving you anything._

_You were always weak in the Force. Do you think you can keep me out forever?_

Kylo concentrated. Stars willing he did. Even as Snoke wove his way through his mind, extracting memories, Kylo struggled, pushing at him even as shooting pain went through his body. Snoke tore away his memories of Poe, of just snuggling and cuddling together, and said, _You were trying to seduce him, weren’t you? You disgusting tease..._

 _Get out of my head._ Snoke wasn’t about to taint one of the few good things Kylo had. He just wasn’t. 

He tore through Kylo’s mind, and Kylo could swear that he felt invisible hands ravaging his body, clawing. He thought he could hear Poe’s voice. “Kylo, it’s me! You’ve got to wake up.”

Kylo’s eyes opened, and Snoke retreated. Poe was sitting over him, face worried. 

“It’s Snoke,” Kylo said. “He’s going to find us, and kill us all. He told me.” He swallowed. “We have to prepare to fight.”


End file.
